Paper Heroes
(July 16th 2007) "Observations of the Owl" - The Owl reports how a faculty was confronted with a potential case of multiple honorary authorship!
Last week I attended a kind of conference. It took place in a very beautiful and secluded forest glade where one can guarantee being unmolested by any of you humans. Hence, the optimum place to hold a meeting of avian scientists and thinkers. I am sure this absolute idyllic setting played a major role in achieving the meeting's ultimately highly inspiring atmosphere.
The title "Population Genetics and Ecology of
Homo sapiens" speaks for itself and I have chosen this moment as the best point in time, to reveal a well kept secret to my many human readers: You humans are our most intensely studied model organism. I'm sure you don't even notice it one bit; and, well, that's just fine because, as the majority of you will know, the most authentic results (particularly in behavioural studies) are obtained when interference from the experimenter can be minimised towards zero.
However, that's not exactly what I wanted to present to you here (apologies for being a bit gabby again this morning, I should have given my feathers an extra ruffle). In fact, I'd rather like to tell you briefly about a discussion I had at the conference with my old pals Falcon, Red Kite and Buzzard. You know how these things usually drag on into the nights following exciting meeting sessions. You are still rather euphoric, the adrenaline keeps rushing through your veins, your brain rotates at high speed and you keep talking, talking, talking...
I think it was Buzzard who, for some incongruous reason, steered the discussion toward grubby papers and research misconduct. And from one second to the next she became so upset that she was finally on the verge of tears (note you have to imagine the following in Buzzard's high croaky voice): "Hey, the root of the evil already starts in the author line. How many authors sign papers they have contributed nothing to? For example, take that bad habit - particularly in medical papers - where the great big-shot bosses put their names on every paper coming out of their departments. Check out the databases, the most impertinent of these guys "publish" a paper
every week. Oh pleeez! That cannot be true! I bet, for the most part, these "paper heroes" know less about the contents than a chicken would."
It was late and Red Kite had already consumed quite a few of those colourful drinks with little umbrellas and other funky stuff. So he just nodded and growled, "Rrrright. Most of us do know about this. But what can we do? How,
hiccup, can we prove that those bad eggs do not really contribute to the papers they sign? Ahhh think I'm too, hiccup, tired to figure out any solution."
Falcon, however, suddenly curled his beak into a smile. "Funny," he said, "I came across the same kind of discussion at a meeting earlier this year. We were a mixed bunch sitting in a huge pine tree and there was this attractive female from the Blue Mountains near Sydney. I won't tell you more about her except..."
"Ah, come on!" I urged and shot him a piercing glance from the depth of my big night eyes.
"No chance," Falcon insisted. "I'll only give you what she revealed had recently happened in her faculty. They had exposed a prime example of such a "paper hero" in one of their departments. The grumbling in the faculty had become increasingly louder over his conspicuously opulent publication list. Until one day the dean of the faculty called upon him to speak publicly about the results of two or three of "his" papers. The crux of the matter, however, was that this guy hadn't been told exactly which papers of his complete oeuvre he should present until immediately before the talk. Well, as the lady explained, this went down a treat. Most of his talk was an embarrassing babble and the audience, the majority of whom recognised what the whole farce was about, sat back in amusement and had a good laugh."
"Nice story," I agreed. "However, have there been any consequences? After all, the Australians still had nothing concrete in their hands against that guy."
"Yes, that's true," Falcon responded. "Nevertheless, don't underestimate the effect. I think this guy has been discredited rather effectively and his bloated ego has received a severe blow. Perhaps more importantly, however, from that time on he knew that his colleagues and the community would be watching him very carefully - like a hawk!!"
"Hhhmm, maybe you are right", I started thinking aloud ... only to be suddenly and quite definitely interrupted by Red Kite serving the next drink. This time it was the blue one with the yellow umbrella...
